Parent Stress, BE GONE!
Are you feeling overwhelmed by all your parenting and life duties? There’s a component of parenting that will always elicit some level of anxiety and stress. How can it not? Your heart is literally walking outside of your chest at all the times. We are constantly worrying about the safety and well-being of our children. We want the absolute best for them always and that can put enormous pressure on us. As parents, we are perpetually on, 24/7, 365 days a year….366 on leap year. It’s the only job with no sick or vacation days-no matter what happens in the world or around us…pandemics, natural disasters, war…we still have to show up and be a parent!
During the lockdown and the worst of the pandemic, I witnessed a lot of parents struggling (both, in professional and personal lives). Especially parents who had school aged kids and were working full-time. During those times, parents had to juggle so many roles such as overseeing school (aka becoming a teacher), managing their own telework, grocery shopping, entertaining children (with limitless energy and endurance!) and performing all the other daily necessities of family life. And although we’re back to a somewhat normal life again, it’s not like we have been able to fully recharge our recuperate from the last few years. If anything, life has been more chaotic trying to squeeze in all the things that were missed, which is exhausting. And the inability at times to take a break, can be draining.
Stress comes with the parenting territory; it’s a common occurrence so we should just accept it and move on right? Not necessarily, research has shown that parenting stress is related to a host of undesirable outcomes, both for the parent and the child. Higher parenting stress was found to be linked to more hostile/harsher parenting styles (Neece et al., 2012). Have you ever realized that when you’re more stressed, you have a “shorter fuse” with your child? Consequently, that harsher parenting style is also linked to more punitive punishments which is directly related to more behavior problems in children (Neece et al., 2012). This harshness also reduces the positive quality time with children, which leads them to develop more negative attention seeking behaviors to get any form of attention. Now we can get stuck in this cycle, a reinforced loop, because the greater the behavioral issues in children, the more parenting stress we experience (Sorkkila & Aunola, 2020).
In my work (and my personal life), I have seen how parenting stress becomes exacerbated and becomes overwhelming when we don’t have resources in place to cope with it. You can think of it as a scale of trying to balance the stress you experience and the resources you have. It would be ideal for those resources to outweigh the stress, but that’s not always possible. Here’s a few strategies that have helped clients I’ve worked with before and can help tip the scales in your favor.
What Can Help?
First, we have to realize when we are feeling stressed and what our vulnerabilities factors are that might make us more susceptible to parenting stress. For instance, what state of mind are you in when you lack sleep or are hungry? Not the best. How we treat our bodies are linked to how we feel emotionally. Putting safeguards in place to aid those vulnerability factors can help us in how we manage overwhelming emotions.
1. Food: Firstly, it’s important to eat regular meals. I’m sure I’m not alone in this, but I can get quite hangry. Aside from making sure you eat regularly, it’s important the choice of food you’re eating. Have you ever eaten something and felt sluggish afterwards? Certain types of foods like ones high in sugar/carbs can impact your mood. I’m not saying to never have a donut again, but might be helpful to limit certain foods and eat things that make you feel more energized.
2. Sleep: I was once told by another parent to get used to never sleeping especially in the earlier years. It’s hard to get a good night’s rest when your child isn’t sleeping well, whether it’s a time they are teething, after they’ve received vaccines/shots, feeling sick or if they’re scared to sleep cause a monster is under their bed. And I don’t know about you but I’m super cranky when I don’t sleep! And that exhaustion can breed desperation. At times when this has happened, we have resorted to co-sleeping. I would caution you about allowing your child to sleep in bed/room with you because your child can become dependent on you for relief. Rather it would be beneficial to help your child by teaching them ways in which they can relax and fall asleep themselves. Additionally, setting their rooms up for optimal sleep can help (i.e. making the room dark, creating a bedtime routine and getting them to sleep before they’re overtired). Also, for the phases in which sleep was particularly hard, my husband and I set up sleep shifts where we each were responsible for a 5–6-hour block of time, allowing the other one to sleep.
3. In addition to improving your child’s sleep, your sleep hygiene is also important. Sleep hygiene comes into play because some of us don’t have the best sleep habits which affect our sleep even when the kids are sleeping soundly. We might watch tv and eat in our beds or even worse use our phones/laptops right before bed too. These are things that impact our quality of sleep and ability to fall asleep. Try limiting screen time about half an hour before you go to bed and limit any other activity on your bed except for sleep. This helps your brain create an association between your bed and sleep.
4. Exercise: Now I know you’ve been told about the importance of working out, but it really is important! 20-30 min a day of something small like walking or stretching will definitely help relieve tension,. Now you might say, “I don’t have time to work out with these kids!” Try incorporating them into your workout. When I take walks, I push my son in the stroller. My son also loves doing yoga with me. When my son was smaller, my husband would exercise while our son was in the carrier (he acted just like a weight!). There’s exercise classes too like parent and baby yoga too. In addition to tension relief, exercising improves your mood. It’s true, there has been research that has found that exercise was equally as effective as taking an anti-depressant for people suffering from depression (Netz, 2017). You might not be depressed but why not get some feel good hormones in your life! It will combat the stress you’re feeling from parenting or other areas in your life.
Therapy can be really helpful in dealing with parenting stress. How? Well, the way we think about things impact our feelings/mood and subsequent actions. For example, sometimes we set high expectations on ourselves as parents and it can be hard to manage our emotions when those standards aren’t met. How can we mitigate some of that pressure and lofty expectations?
5. Removing the word should from our vocabulary. Should statements add shame and can make you feel guilty or as if you failed. For example, if you were feeling overwhelmed at work and stayed a little longer, you might have missed playtime with your kids. You tell yourself you “should” have left work earlier and spent more time with your kids. That “should” will only make you feel badly like you don’t measure up as a parent. Try swapping your “should” statement with “It would have been great if I had more time or energy to play with my kids.” Not only does it help with feelings of guilt, it lessens unrealistic expectations.
6. Practicing self-compassion. I can’t tell you how many times I have had parents be so critical about themselves, “I’m a failure. I dropped the ball. I messed my kids up.” But if I were to ask what advice they would give a friend going through the same situation, they would have no problem providing support, validation, and compassion to that person. Why is it so hard for us to treat ourselves with the same love, kindness, and consideration we give to others? I think it’s because we haven’t flexed that muscle as much or learned the importance of self-compassion. Research has found that high parental self-compassion is associated with lower parental stress, lower parental depression, lower parental anxiety, lower levels of mothers’ child-directed criticism, and fewer distressed reactions from fathers to child negative emotions (Beer et al., 2013; Garcia et al., 2022; Mitchell et al., 2018). So how can we become more self-compassionate?
Well first, try to notice when you’re being hard on yourself. Maybe you lost your temper and thought “I’m such a bad parent” then ask yourself if what you’re thinking is true? Next, ask yourself if speaking to a friend, would you treat them the same way? Third, remind yourself that raising children is a huge job, but one that we cannot perfect. We try and do what’s best for our children, but sometimes we make mistakes, and we can’t control everything. It’s OKAY to find things hard or to need help. It’s also important to acknowledge when you’re doing your best, even when you’re struggling. Lastly, say something kind to yourself! Phrases can include: “I’m doing my best.” “It’s okay I make mistakes” “I just need to be a good enough parent, not a perfect one” “I’m not alone, other parents struggle with this as well.”
It’s important to know that you’re not alone in this parenting journey, EMTG specializes in working with parents! As a trained child and adolescent clinician, Dr. Gayle Smith has in-depth knowledge about child and adolescent development, understanding of various behavioral issues and insight into evidence-based parenting strategies. She is trained in parent management training and has helped families with children/teens suffering from anxiety, ADHD, depression, suicidality, self-destructive behaviors, emotion regulation issues, disruptive behaviors, grief/loss and identity issues (gender/sexuality). She has experience working with parents individually, within groups and in couples. She has aided parenting couples navigate work-life balance/competing career priorities in a marriage and parenting conflict (due to parenting styles and cultural differences).
References
Beer M., Ward L., Moar K. (2013). The relationship between mindful parenting and distress in parents of children with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. Mindfulness, 4(2), 102–112. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-012-0192-4
Garcia, A. S., Born, S. L., Carotta, C. L., Lavender-Stott, E. S., & (Stella) Liu, H.-L. (2022). Hope and Self-Compassion to Alleviate Parenting Stress in the Context of the COVID-19 Pandemic. The Family Journal, 30(2), 164–173. https://doi.org/10.1177/10664807211040836
Mitchell, A. E., Whittingham, K., Steindl, S., & Kirby, J. (2018). Feasibility and acceptability of a brief online self-compassion intervention for mothers of infants. Archives of women's mental health, 21(5), 553–561. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00737-018-0829-y
Netz Y. (2017). Is the Comparison between Exercise and Pharmacologic Treatment of Depression in the Clinical Practice Guideline of the American College of Physicians Evidence-Based?. Frontiers in pharmacology, 8, 257. https://doi.org/10.3389/fphar.2017.00257
Neece, C. L., Green, S. A., & Baker, B. L. (2012). Parenting stress and child behavior problems: a transactional relationship across time. American journal on intellectual and developmental disabilities, 117(1), 48–66. https://doi.org/10.1352/1944-7558-117.1.48
Sorkkila, M., & Aunola, K. (2020). Risk factors for parental burnout among Finnish parents: The role of socially prescribed perfectionism. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 29(3), 648-659.
